He He He Who
December 3rd, 2008 by KasiBrian and I attended our first childbirth class last night. Although I am almost positive that if you don’t go to this class the hospital will still allow you to have your baby at their facility and it is almost certain that the actual birth still happens the same way, we were advised to take the class. So, we signed up for classes at the doctor’s office so that we could find out what cruel fate mother nature has in store for me (and for Brian as the supportive partner). Our childbirth class is relatively short (only three classes), very informative (all information, no fluff and/or silly exercises like placing a clothes pin on your ear to simulate labor pain) and not at all touchy feely (tell us what you love most about pregnancy so far or relate your birth story to the class). These things kept our rude comments and scoffing to a minimum. I am very nervous (read completely terrified and close to passing out anytime it is discussed) about the birthing process. So far I have tried to stifle the increasing panic by not finding anything out about what will happen during the labor and delivery (that’s why there are doctors and nurses) and focusing more on infant care. Sadly, my head in the sand approach came to an end last night. I was able to stay up-right during the entire class but the absence of passing out is largely due to the fact that we were not forced to watch the birthing video.
Last night we learned all about effacement, dilation and the station of the baby. During this discussion I thought to myself, “Ok, this isn’t so bad, I can handle this.” Then we get to the labor/delivery part and panic begins to creep in. At this point the instructor begins talking about pushing and breathing (”He He He Who”) and how many people will be in the room (more than I would’ve guessed) and how they will be holding my legs in what sounds like a very embarrassing position and about partners who pass out and then she just tosses out there that some people poop during all of this pushing/breathing/birthing. Yikes. I think I have been told this before but have chosen to block it out. Then she proceeds to tell us that some people do a home enema before going to the hospital to prevent this experience but that practice is not common and not necessarily recommended. While I’m contemplating my home enema, she begins to explain “tearing and episiotomies.” The mere mention of these two words seriously make me want to pass out. She then describes each stage of episiotomy in detail and by the time she gets to stage four I am ready to run for the hills. If you don’t know what a stage four episiotomy entails, good for you. I hope you never find out. The good thing, pooping on the table is the least of my worries at this point.
To all of you mothers out there, I can’t believe you did this and I can’t believe that so many of you chose to do it more than once. There must be something about those babies
I am very lucky to have such a supportive spouse but to all of the other partners of pregnant people out there (you know who you are), anytime you get frustrated or annoyed or feel like pregnancy is no big deal and don’t constantly dote on your pregnant partner, I have one word for you “episiotomy.” If you don’t know what it is, look it up (I suggest starting with the stage four definition) and since you don’t have to have one, let the constant praise and doting commence.
After the class I had my worst pregnancy nightmare yet. I typically dream that I give birth to a kitten that thankfully has a genetic defect so it has no claws. Don’t try to analyze it, I know it’s weird. Last night, I dreamed I gave birth to a kitten but instead of it being the kitten part that was terrifying, it was the birth part since now I know what may happen and my subconscious was glad to fill in any detail that isn’t already known.
Our next class is on Thursday and will cover epidurals (sign me up now), c-sections, and a tour of the hospital (or germ-infested death box, as I like to refer to it). We also have our 28-week doctor appointment tomorrow morning. We will have another ultrasound which is great. We were beginning to miss seeing Sprout who judging by all the second and third babies out there is going to be totally worth all this fear and trauma.





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